I think a marriage is like an uninhabited island…besides the basics for survival, the only things will get are the ones you bring to it.
My divorce was ‘granted’ yesterday. Unlike after receiving a nod for something you’ve been waiting for a long time (I know J was waiting for yesterday) no one celebrated, there was no high-five-ing, no hugging… there was just an overpowering silence that took over the whole room.
After the judge’s declaration of my so called freedom I didn’t know what to say. “Thank you” just didn’t seem to come together in my mind, coz I wasn’t grateful for what I had just been given. I nodded, “Ok” and at that moment I felt all the eyes in the courtroom release me… from what had felt like a judging and imprisoning gaze ever since I had stepped in.
Yes it’s all in my head. But it’s over now.
I couldn’t understand my emotions for quite some time after it was all over..they were so many and so noisy. I held on till the end of the day when I was home, to actually allow myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling. And it hurt…like a million splinters. I love my ex husband, and so it hurt…not coz I want us to make it work ever again, but coz we didn’t make it work in the first place. I felt sad that I hadn’t come through. But I also felt a definite release.
I felt the relief of not having to put myself through raising my hopes and having them crushed over and over again… I had been doing that for almost a year now…since we weren’t legally divorced, there was always a chance J would wanna come back..that chance/hope was also only in my head.
But it’s over now.
And so I am breathing again… filling my lungs with air, and my heart with love…embracing all that I have, shattered and whole. Cradled in my blessings, I am determined to rise above everything one breath at a time.
And so this has begun
How badly did you wanna learn everything about your partner when you were falling in love with them?
We wanted to find out about their favorite book or movie, so we could gift them a copy. We wanted to surprise them, make them go ‘awww’ Love made us curious, and keen.
Cut to today, years later, we’ve become complacent as we assume that we know our partner well. We’ve become ignorant…towards what they are really like, and we don’t find a need to correct our image of them. We’ve settled into this groove of, “Why bother..they’re not gonna do it anyway”
When we’re in the dark about something, and no one wants to turn on the light, it’s inevitable that we will step on each other’s toes eventually!
Our ignorance may be our bliss, but it can be someone else’s pain.
*Pic credit rewalls.com
I have quite a few divorced friends. Those who’ve chosen not to remarry have quite happily adapted themselves to the “I rock coz I’m single” lifestyle. Living in a cozy bubble of self-pampering and loving every moment of it. Awesome really.
I tried it, but I didn’t like it.
I’m like…. I walk into a store I see fabulous neckties and I wish I had someone to gift them to! Crazy I know, but I miss having my special someone to do stuff for. As much as I enjoy the fact that I can make plans at the spur of the moment, without having to check someone else’s schedule, I wish there was someone who’d ask me where I am if not in bed at 3 am!
It isn’t that you can’t live without that someone, but I like having someone to discuss Lao Tzu and Man vs food with, someone I can make fun of movies with, someone who likes my massages, someone I can read with, someone whose hugs melt me no matter what kinda day I’ve had…
No matter how many friends you have, there is only that one person you can call your own.
May be I am not built to be single. And may be the reason I didn’t realize it until now was coz I haven’t been single long enough since I was …13?! lol. So this flying solo thing helped me realize that I don’t prefer it anyway.
Did you ever not realize something for the longest time coz you just didn’t have the time to?!
I’ve been consciously watching my response to everything, increasing my awareness.
And I’ve realized that I am a certain kind of person only with certain people. I am not talking about the very obvious difference in our ‘work’ and ‘home’ personalities. I am talking about a more subtle change or a quality that may exist only when we are with some people. Like, with my sister and brother in law, I am a lot like an obedient child or more allowing. It’s probably coz they always like to have things their way, and I figure if it makes them happy, why not let them have it? We all work in same industry, so our paths cross often even at work and some times their presence affects my performance too!
But with some of my friends, I’m the one who takes charge. (coz no one else wants to! lazy asses, them all!)
So, if people bring out specific qualities in us, shouldn’t we spend our lives with people who bring out the best in us? One would say, of course, that’s common sense! But seriously, I don’t know many spouses who bring out the best in each other. For instance, I’ve seen husbands lying to avoid even the smallest confrontations, and wives getting more confrontational coz may be..they want to be paid attention to. That being said, it is still a choice we make when we respond the way we do.
Who are you when you are with your loved ones? Responsible, caring, compassionate, giving…or withdrawn, disconnected coz you’re always worried about hurting them or being hurt yourself? My ex-husband was the latter.
So yea, may be we are who are coz of the people we are with…
When I fall in love…
how would you finish that sentence?
We see miracles everyday, things full of wonder…things that ought to strike us with awe, but they don’t.
Only coz we see them everyday. The changing of seasons…of night into day, the effortless beauty of tiger lilies, the magic of oxygen being absorbed into our bodies…
When you wake up next to your spouse everyday, they start becoming ordinary. Over time, you lose sight of the miracle of having met them, the two of you having chosen to be with each other, and the uniqueness of their qualities that attracted you to them in the first place! And so it begins, the process of taking for granted. Monotony makes everything and everyone disinteresting.
Today, find the wonder in your spouse, allow yourself to be awestruck by the beauty of their heart. Discover something new about them and be amazed! I bet no matter how long you’ve known them, you’ll still find something you didn’t already know Monogamy doesn’t have to be monotonous.
Don’t just be married to the one you love, fall in love with the one you married, all over again.
…the more I realize that I have so much more growing up to do.
And yet, you only really grow up when you learn to live like a child…letting bygones be bygones, forgiving, loving unconditionally, make-believe-ing, taking life as it comes, being true to yourself, living wholeheartedly in the moment.