Declaration of ‘Independence’

My divorce was ‘granted’ yesterday. Unlike after receiving a nod for something you’ve been waiting for a long time (I know J was waiting for yesterday) no one celebrated, there was no high-five-ing, no hugging… there was just an overpowering silence that took over the whole room.

After the judge’s declaration of my so called freedom I didn’t know what to say. “Thank you” just didn’t seem to come together in my mind, coz I wasn’t grateful for what I had just been given. I nodded, “Ok” and at that moment I felt all the eyes in the courtroom release me… from what had felt like a judging and imprisoning gaze ever since I had stepped in.

Yes it’s all in my head. But it’s over now.

I couldn’t understand my emotions for quite some time after it was all over..they were so many and so noisy. I held on till the end of the day when I was home, to actually allow myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling. And it hurt…like a million splinters. I love my ex husband, and so it hurt…not coz I want us to make it work ever again, but coz we didn’t make it work in the first place. I felt sad that I hadn’t come through. But I also felt a definite release.

pic credit rewalls.com

I felt the relief of not having to put myself through raising my hopes and having them crushed over and over again… I had been doing that for almost a year now…since we weren’t legally divorced, there was always a chance J would wanna come back..that chance/hope was also only in my head.

But it’s over now.

And so I am breathing again… filling my lungs with air, and my heart with love…embracing all that I have, shattered and whole. Cradled in my blessings, I am determined to rise above everything one breath at a time.

And so this has begun 🙂

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3 thoughts on “Declaration of ‘Independence’

  1. While ‘congrats’ doesn’t seem quite appropriate, I will still still say congrats for the new chapter this allows you to start in your life. I am still awaiting my own day of ‘Independence’ and it looks like it might be quite some time still. However, I know that day will be hard regardless. It’s hard for anyone who hasn’t been through divorce to understand that while you may have reconciled with the fact that your relationship is over, and you may even be a happier person on this new path, the actual process of divorce is still emotional and hurtful. Stand strong and cheers to moving on free and clear.

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Emily 🙂 I’m hoping that the lessons we’re learning now will guide us to become our best selves. There is so much to look forward to! I wish you strength and peace through your own journey! hugz!

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