My divorce was ‘granted’ yesterday. Unlike after receiving a nod for something you’ve been waiting for a long time (I know J was waiting for yesterday) no one celebrated, there was no high-five-ing, no hugging… there was just an overpowering silence that took over the whole room.
After the judge’s declaration of my so called freedom I didn’t know what to say. “Thank you” just didn’t seem to come together in my mind, coz I wasn’t grateful for what I had just been given. I nodded, “Ok” and at that moment I felt all the eyes in the courtroom release me… from what had felt like a judging and imprisoning gaze ever since I had stepped in.
Yes it’s all in my head. But it’s over now.
I couldn’t understand my emotions for quite some time after it was all over..they were so many and so noisy. I held on till the end of the day when I was home, to actually allow myself to feel whatever it was I was feeling. And it hurt…like a million splinters. I love my ex husband, and so it hurt…not coz I want us to make it work ever again, but coz we didn’t make it work in the first place. I felt sad that I hadn’t come through. But I also felt a definite release.
I felt the relief of not having to put myself through raising my hopes and having them crushed over and over again… I had been doing that for almost a year now…since we weren’t legally divorced, there was always a chance J would wanna come back..that chance/hope was also only in my head.
But it’s over now.
And so I am breathing again… filling my lungs with air, and my heart with love…embracing all that I have, shattered and whole. Cradled in my blessings, I am determined to rise above everything one breath at a time.
And so this has begun 🙂